We live in a culture of blame and shutting down grief. Experiencing a devastating loss and having your world shattered is not a problem to be solved, you don’t need to move on from your grief and hearing things like “at least they are in a better place” is probably not comforting. If you are broken, the correct response is to be broken.
Loss is an experience where there is a change in circumstance, perception, or an experience where it would be impossible to return to the way things were before. Grief can be more broadly defined as the distress that occurs when one’s existing assumptive world is lost because of a significant life-changing event. A loss can be death related or non-death related. Grief is a normal, adaptive response to an experience of loss.
Some Examples of Loss
- Death
- Divorce
- Pet loss
- Altered relationships
- Changes in health for oneself or loved one
- Financial or job loss
- Home loss due to moving, immigration, natural disaster or family needs
- Retirement
- Caregiver stress
- Pregnancy loss
- Infertility
- Loss of hopes and dreams for the future
How Grief and Loss is Experienced
Grief is different for everyone and there is no ‘normal’ way to grieve. Grief is not a state but a process – oscillating to and from the painful reality of the loss. Common experiences I’ve witnessed are:
- feeling of numbness or disbelief
- feeling of powerlessness which can lead to despair
- difficulty coping with daily life stressors
- difficulty functioning and feeling like you cannot move on
- somatic experiencing of the loss i.e., migraines or sleep disturbances
- replaying the details of the loss over and over
- a loss compounded by other losses that have not been attended to
- grief not socially supported can lead to minimizing or shaming the loss
- can be intermingled with positive feelings, such as relief, joy, peace, and happiness that emerge after the loss of an important person (sometimes this leads to feeling guilty or disloyal to the bereaved)
- extreme feelings of sadness, anger, isolation, hopelessness or anxiousness
Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss is grief that is difficult to articulate or define, making it difficult to describe to others their emotions, feelings and needs surrounding the loss.Individuals who face ambiguous losses may face social isolation and stigma.
In some instances, the individual may need to adjust to changing roles such as leaving their jobs to transition into being a full-time caregiver with less opportunity to connect with others outside the home. In society, there is no cultural practices tied to losses such as divorce or illness so there is also a lack of closure. In some cases, the loss is on-going such plans for the future changed or disruptions in how holidays are celebrated. Consequently, often people don’t know how to respond or give support to the individual grieving.
Ambiguous loss is a particularly stressful kind of loss because it is not typically officially acknowledged, and there is no possibility of closure. At times, as when someone is literally missing or is cognitively impaired, the loss remains unclear, as people don’t know whether a loved one is dead or alive, absent or present.
It is common for individuals in infertility treatment to feel they lost a baby before there is even implantation of embryo into the uterus. The grief after an unsuccessful treatment is very difficult to describe or define – the loss of a baby whose physical presence was real but existed only under a microscope. Part of the work in counselling is the underscore the sorrow of the loss and embrace the ambiguity surrounding the loss.
Grief Counselling
Grief counselling involves tending to the pain and exploring ways to reduce suffering. Here is what counselling might involve:
- support you through processing your loss, any loss no matter how big or small, for as long as we need
- identify and work through any feelings that come up, like anger and disconnection, towards well-meaning loved ones that are actually dismissing or minimizing your grief
- strategies for how to talk to your loved ones about your grief and your needs
- look for things that bring even the tiniest amount of relief or peace in your heart and track the stressors that make things feel so overwhelming
- develop tools to help you feel a little more supported in your pain during upcoming anniversaries or difficult events
- explore feelings of extreme sadness, anger, isolation, hopelessness, anxiousness, shame or guilt to help minimize suffering while honouring and supporting the pain
- how to maintain a connection to the loss through a symbolic ritual, practice or object
Reach out if you need support. You do not need to experience this alone. I am here to journey with you, mourn and process grief together.
“The important thing to remember is that your grief, like your love, belongs to you. No one has the right to dictate, judge, or dismiss what is yours to live.” – Megan Devine
